The Tooth Fairy is known and loved by our children as a bringer of money and bone collector. They show up every time one of our little bundles of energy loses a tooth, sneak in, swap the tooth for some cash and disappear. Seems simple on the surface, but there are a few flaws and missed opportunities in the Tooth Fairy’s plan and, as a parent, I feel like we need to sit down with the fairy and address them.
Why in the hell does the tooth need to be under the pillow? Is the Tooth Fairy some kind of stealth ninja, working covert ops for some mystical fairy black-ops division? Where can the average person get that level of training? First comes the approach to the bed, in the dark, in the middle of the night… It’s like storming the beach at Normandy. In order to advance to the bed, the Tooth Fairy must avoid the carefully placed Lego mines, Barbie stilettos caltrops, and fortifications in the form of Elsa’s 4’ Ice Palace and Barbie’s Malibu Dream House.
Once the fairy finally negotiates through this veritable minefield, they have to not only deposit a sum of cash UNDER THE HEAD of your fitfully sleeping angel, but they also have to find a tiny, ½ ounce piece of bone and enamel which is somewhere in among the mix of pillows, drool and blankets that our children sleep in. Remember Indiana Jones taking that golden idol off the plinth in Temple of Doom? It’s like doing that, but harder. This is serious business; the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have a guide to take that spear for them, they need to do this alone. Indy isn’t up to this task.
Even after the tooth is retrieved and the money is placed, it’s not over for the Tooth Fairy. No, my friend, they still need to get out of there. That means re-negotiating the minefield, again in the dark, without waking your bundle of joy. Because, you know, it’s no fun for the tooth fairy if there isn’t a challenge…
Here’s my idea. Call me a radical, but I’m really just looking out for the good of all the poor, barefoot fairies out there. Why doesn’t the Tooth Fairy just have the children leave the tooth on a bathroom counter or kitchen table? Then they wouldn’t have to go all Zero Dark Thirty in order to reward our kids for being brave while a piece of them fell out. Doing that would turn the event into a clean (though still mysterious and magical) business transaction. Even Indiana could handle this.
Flaws in the monetary system
Does the Tooth Fairy ever leave the same amount twice? It seems to me like they show up and go “Crap. Right, a tooth, I need to pay for that. Ok, what have I got in my pockets? $2.35, eh? Yeah, that’s good enough.” If I were a child, I’d be screaming about price fixing and monopolisation laws.
Why not a flat rate, Tooth Fairy? How come when my son lost his last tooth, he got a five dollar bill, but my daughter got bus fare for her last one? C’mon man, get it together. You have one job. Either create a flat rate for teeth or show us some kind of sliding value scale based on age, difficulty of extraction and tooth size so that we can show it to our kids the next morning to explain why they got what seems to be a pretty arbitrary amount.
These Tooth Fairies feel like they can come into our home, toss change at our kids and never face the music. They leave it to us parents to explain the next morning why Nate got enough for a new Skylander while Sophie only got enough to put a solid down payment on a Shopkin. No more I say, no more… Equal pay for equal teeth!
I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate the Tooth Fairy. I mean, we’re talking about a magical creature that is stealthier than Santa and the Easter Bunny put together. That’s impressive. If we could have had the Tooth Fairy searching for Osama, he’d have tracked him down way before the SEALs. I just think that maybe, through some business modernization, that the Tooth Fairies could make their lives a lot easier.