Dishwashers destroy marriages
Hopefully this post remains online and isn’t smothered by the shadowy cabal that promotes dishwashers as a part of their population control scheme. If I can help just one man with this knowledge, then the risks I take in exposing the truth are worth it.
When I was growing up, a dishwasher was always on the top of my “must-have list” for my ideal home. My family didn’t have one, so each night someone had to wash everything by hand. Once we were old enough, my sister and I took over dish duties from my father (my mother cooked so as to avoid the cleaning). It was torture. We all had wrinkly hands that smelled of a mix of lemons and whatever mom had cooked. In my mind, a dishwasher was the greatest modern miracle since penicillin. It would cure all that ailed me. Or would it?
I’m an adult now, and the last three houses I’ve had have all had dishwashers. All three houses have also echoed with a fairly constant litany of “Who the hell loaded this?”, “Glasses go on TOP!”, “You should have rinsed this!”, “Great, now that’s REALLY baked in there!”, “No! Those pans have to be washed by hand!” and my personal favorite, “Who taught you how to load a dishwasher?!”
Nobody taught me how to load one. It’s just like Tertris, right? Jam things in however you can, slam the door and push the button. In 45 minutes you have clean dishes and your hands don’t look like a cursed monkey paw. Winning, right?
Wrong. After the last jab my wife took at my dishwasher loading skills, I took to the internet to find out a bit more about the dishwasher and what I found was disturbing, deeply disturbing.
The hidden relationship killer
Most people naively believe that divorces mostly stem from arguments about money, cleaning, parental responsibilities, and cheating spouses. False, the hidden killer of relationships is the innocuous dishwasher.
The first dishwasher was invented in about 1850, but was pretty unreliable and as likely to eat your dishes as clean them. In 1887, Josephine Cochrane invented a reliable hand-powered dishwasher which she then debuted at the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893. In 1893, the divorce rate in the United States (because I can’t find Canadian data that goes back that far) was about 20,000 per year. Not bad, considering that there were about 500,000 marriages that year. That’s a divorce rate of about 4%.
The divorce rate began to steadily climb after the 1890’s. Steeply. Coincidence? I think not. The rate increased year over year until about 1932, when the Great Depression hit. Just prior to the drop, there were just over 200,000 divorces a year and about 1.2 million marriages. That’s a rate of 16%. Through the 1930’s the divorce rate dropped. Why? Because it was the depression, people couldn’t afford to bring a dishwasher into their home. Fact.
Once the depression ended, serious progress was made in dishwasher technology. By 1950, a dishwasher looked a lot like our modern version and was much more widely available. Guess what? Divorce rates skyrocketed. In the 1950’s there were about 9 million marriages in the United States. There were also about 2.2 million divorces. 24% of marriages ended in divorce in the 50’s and all the while, dishwashers were quietly making their way into homes, posing as a convenience and tool of the future.
As dishwashers became more and more advanced and affordable, they showed up in more and more homes until, but the 1990’s essentially 50% of marriages ended in divorce. The shocking fact? According to the Alliance for Water Efficiency, almost the same number of households had a dishwasher! Irrefutable fact! Dishwashers destroyed those marriages!!!
Sure, some skeptics may say that the divorce rate was influenced by the change in the socioeconomic climate following WWII, but we now know the truth. A husband’s inability to properly load a dishwasher was the boiling, seething, basis for almost all arguments.
To paraphrase Yoda, “Dishwashers lead to hate, hate leads to arguments, arguments lead to divorce… hmmmmm.”
How to save your marriage
So, there you have it. If you have one of the divorce machines in your home, and you want your marriage to survive, you are faced with two choices:
- Kill it. Kill it with fire; or
- Learn to load it properly. Your wife is born with the innate knowledge of how to do it, ask for a tutorial.
If, for some reason, your wife doesn’t already know how to do this better than you do, drop me a line, I’ll send mine over.
There is a third option, but you’ve got to have a solid pair of stones on you… Head on over to The Oatmeal and check out his “How to Load a Dishwasher” tutorial.